Serious post.

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Hi, darlings. It’s been a while since i last made a post. I apologise for that, but now my work is driving me crazy and i literally had no free time. But now i have a spare moment, so i desided to use it for writing this.

The thing is that i have been working since the 2nd grade of my university programm. And i am pretty good at my job, i know how to do it and i try my best to do it good. But i do not like it. I tried couple of  different jobs in this sphere, but still i could’t feel passionate for what i was and still am doing. I kind of can’t figure out – is it just me being a dreamer, of is there still is some hope for me to find something i would really love doing? Cause as far as i see – the first option is the realistic one.

I can’t really explain it – i do not do some hard working, i have an office job, well an intence one, but still. And sometimes i feel like i am trapped, i feel so much hatred about what i am doing on daily basis, when i come out of the office i just want not to think at all about it, when i have to get up in the morning and go to work i feel so scared about the new day and what it brings, new problems to solve, new responsibilities to take. Really, the rare evenings and weekends with my partner is everything that keeps me going. It’s unhealthy, cause sometimes i just want to burst into tears, when i have to leave for work.

I talked about it with my parents, and what they say is even more terrifying – “Well, darling, i don’t know almost anyone who enjoys his\her job. It’s life, you have to work, so you can have money, so you can sometimes do what you want to do. You bear the work and as a reward you will have money to go to some courses of art, or have a holliday at the sea or something.” And you know, this really sounds like “Just accept it, you will have to suffer all you life, this is how it is in real life”. And this kind of thought leads me to something like “Why do we live at all? Thi life is suffering, so why do we need to keep going, if you already know that you will spend 70% of your lifetime doing what you don’t feel passionate about or even just like?”.

And the problem is – i don’t know what i want to do for living. I just still can’t figure it out. And that scares me, cause what if i am just lazy? What if it’s not my job, it’s me who makes this situation terrible?

So here it is, all my curent thought and fears. Sorry, if this post was boring, i just needed to sort all my thoughts out, and writing helps a lot. I hope all of you are already doing, what you like or are going to do it in the future. Thank you for reading it.